A Testimony of Restoration & Redemption
Season of Revelation
At a very young age, I knew the Lord had called me to be different. Although, I wasn’t raised in a Christian household, I had an idea of who God was and truly thought that I knew Him.
For the first few years of my life, my dad was living in Philadelphia while my mother and I were in Canada. This led to feelings of rejection and resentment towards my father. I would constantly ask myself, ‘Why would he would leave us all alone, was work really that important?’
I forced myself to be the rock of the household at such a young age in order to be an emotional support for my mom, who was overworking to provide for us. In these early years, I dealt with multiple occasions of sexual abuse which opened the door to homosexuality.
I was about 3 years old when I noticed that I was attracted to women, however, I always had this knowing that it wasn’t right. I now know that it was the Holy Spirit convicting me. I was ashamed and felt very alone. I didn’t have any one to talk to. This then lead to years of depression. I started to cry out for help. This led to me stealing in order to buy myself things that made me happy temporarily. I later turned to basketball which became my entire identity. All I could think about was basketball.
I eventually gave into the same-sex attraction and opened that door my junior year of high school. I went through much heart ache, pain and betrayal during these years which I had then also opened up the door to drugs and alcohol.
My senior year of high school, stress and anxiety kicked in, as I was desperate to get recruited. I was miserable. It was almost like I couldn’t help but lash out on the people closest to me. One day, I had gotten into an argument with one of my brothers as I was visiting home during the weekend. He had said something that sent me over the edge.. ‘I hate weekends because you come home.’ This absolutely wrecked me and as a result the memories from my past traumas that I had blocked out for so long came flooding back. I ended up having a really bad panic attack and I remember having a conversation that changed my life forever. ‘Did something happen to you as a child?’ my mom asked with tears welling up in her eyes. I quietly nodded holding back tears. I was referred to a Therapist who put me on anti-depressants. Even though it was such a dark time in my life, I remember having this urge to start reading the Bible. I didn’t make it a priority yet the Holy Spirit was still continuing to tug on my heart.
A few months later, by God’s mercy I had received my only division 1 offer and committed to a school in New Jersey. Now you know it was the grace of God because I am only 5’1 haha. Entering college, I tried my best to fit in. The people that knew about my struggles encouraged me to ‘be true to myself’ and be open about my sexuality. I began to grow more and more comfortable in the world, even though deep down I always felt off. I began to party a lot, and find worthless joy in the fast, college life. Mid-year, another traumatic family event hit. This led to my depression coming back full force. Looking back, I truly believe the depression was always there, it was just dormant. I ended up relying on drugs and alcohol to cope. I was growing tired and weary, but little did I know God had a plan for me.
Salvation, Wilderness & Tribulation
At the end of my freshman year, during summer session, a friend from Canada came to New York to attend a church conference with his mom and Pastor, and asked to hang out. I threw on a tracksuit and some slides and waited for them to pick me up. Looking at my attire he asked me if that was what I was wearing to church. I told him I was under the impression that we were just going to hang out, but he emphasized we were going to church. I hadn’t been to church in years, and had no idea what to expect. I was so anxious, from what I had experienced.. church was a place where everyone judged each other. I was so nervous that they would be able to smell out the sin that I was in, although at the time it was pretty obvious the things that I was dealing with. When we arrived, I helped out to the best of my abilities, and as the service started, I made my way to the back corner in hopes that nobody would notice me. Oddly enough, which I now know is the sovereignty of God… the entirety of that sermon was directed at me, and it felt as though the Lord was addressing me personally. I felt a tug on my heart and approached the Pastor after service. I had asked her what it meant to follow the Lord and how one could go about doing so. Before even answering my question, she began to bring up things from my past that I had never told anyone. From that point I knew that Jesus had never left me nor forsaken me. It was that moment, I knew that there was a purpose for why I went through what I did.
I started seeking God earnestly. However, spiritual warfare came and hit me head on. I got baptized in April 2020 during Covid despite of it all, yet still seemed to struggle with giving into temptation. I remember days before, wondering if I should even get baptized because I was really struggling with feelings for a woman. After I had gotten baptized, it was like the spiritual warfare increased dramatically but the conviction also increased.
In the summer of 2020, I was sexually abused again. This time by someone I had greatly loved. Someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. This led to me indulging into a variety off different drugs, and feeding my addiction to weed and alcohol. However, even in my sin, the Lord guided me and surrounded me with fellowship who helped get me through the pain. I was hopeful, as I knew that as devastating as that event was in my life, the Lord was going to use my testimony to help women who had experienced the same type of abuse. In 2020 I had experience deliverance which is the casting out of demons. Before this event I had gotten deliverance before but this time was extreme. This had also led to my parents getting deliverance as they were present and had actually kickstarted their salvation. Isn’t it funny how God works!
But as a result of another disgusting encounter with men, I ended up choosing to go back to my old ways. I continued to wrestle with my sexuality and went back to my vomit. God, however, continued to work on me and prophesied many things over me. The Lord called me to the role of an evangelist although I had no clue how it would come to pass. I started to dream consistently and the Holy Spirit took control and guided me in the prophetic gifting that the Lord so generously blessed me with.
Senior year came and I lasted about 2 months before the world started creeping back. This time I allowed myself to enter into an immoral relationship with a woman, whom I was ready to throw away my salvation for. The Lord warned me and prophesied how messy the breakup would be if I continued. Crazy enough, even though I was in a pit of my own sin, the Lord would still use me to evangelize. I would be that one person telling the person I was with at the time that we needed to repent. I would be evangelizing at the parties, in the smoke sessions and at the parties, even though people would look at me like I was crazy because I was indulging in the same things they were. After the breakup, I hit rock bottom. I lost all my friends and was completely and utterly alone. I couldn’t even be mad at God because my brokeness was a result of my sins. I turned back to substance abuse; smoking and drinking even more just to numb the pain. No matter how much substance I used, nothing was able to drown out God’s voice for me to go back to him. I intensely prayed that she would hurt me so bad that I would never turn back; and boy did the Lord deliver.
God's Grace: Season of Fruition
My grad year, I transferred to a Division II school in New Mexico in hopes for a new beginning. After growing in faith during the summer months, my focus was solely on Jesus. I prayed that this time around, it would be my final test, and that I would finally break through from this season of wilderness. On my way to New Mexico, the Lord gracefully worked through me. It is insane because I was still struggling with drug abuse. It just goes to show the Lord can and will use anyone! This is when I had my first experience casting out unclean spirits out of a brother (in the faith) who accompanied me.
For the first couple weeks, I struggled. I fell back into old ways with alcohol, weed and women. But eventually, I had enough. The Lord made it very clear that if I continued on this path… I would die. I had to choose the Lord. He was and is my only hope! In the month of September 2022, I finally put down weed once and for all. In October 2022, I stopped messing around with women, and in December 2022, I had finally put the alcohol down.
My stay in New Mexico wasn’t very long but the Lord continued to work on me and mold me. At that moment, I trusted the Lord with my heart and soul, I let go of the women, drugs and the alcohol. I got rebaptized and fully surrendered.
Now, I am completely sold out for Jesus. Absolutely nothing can hinder me from fulfilling my purpose. I am in complete obedience to His will, and no longer feeding my flesh. Looking back now I realize that when you are chosen by God, your peace comes from Him and not from the world. I am extremely thankful that the Holy Spirit kept me strong and that the Lord has freed me from all my addictions and my pain. It was through these trials and tribulations, I was able to learn the importance of obedience, and how to discern and hear God’s voice. I started to understand that it was through my brokenness that the Lord refined me so that I can be a witness of his glory. There were so many times I almost threw in the towel and gave up on God. But even through my sins; through my struggle; through my unfaithfulness; God remained faithful. I am so unworthy, but yet God’s grace and tender mercies continued to lift me up.
Glory be to God that I am finally freed from my strongholds. I thank God that He stuck by me, He could have gave me over to a reprobate mind, but He didn’t. He stayed patient with me, and now I am burning for Him. I am forever grateful, that Jesus took me from my lowest point and has divinely accelerated me to fulfill my calling.
All of this is just the beginning of the journey! There are so many more testimonies to share. That being said, I invite you to take that leap of faith with me and let us help build God’s Kingdom here on earth.
ASK JESUS INTO YOUR HEART:
If you have not yet accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and are feeling a tugging on your heart to say yes to Jesus I encourage you to pray this prayer with me:
Dear Jesus,
I believe that you are the Son of God. You humbled yourself and came as God in the flesh. You died a sinners death, a death that you did not deserve, and rose from the dead 3 days later so that a sinner like me could be reconciled back unto you. Forgive me Lord for all of my sins that I have committed knowingly and unknowingly. Thank you for your body and your blood that has cleansed me. Holy Spirit I ask you into my heart and I pray that you would begin to reveal the Son unto me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen!
Praise the Lord! I assure you this is the best decision you have could have made! If you have prayed this prayer, I want to encourage you to seek Him out! Your walk with the Lord has only just begun! The Bible says that as we draw near unto God, He will draw near unto us. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you and guide you on this new journey. Download the Bible app, or go buy a bible on amazon or a book store, and begin to allow the Lord to reveal Himself to you!